On feeling better

Reading my ‘not’-ness post, I find it simply unbelievable that I could come from that place to where I am now in just a few short weeks. That dark grey place seems so unreal. And yet I know I really was there because there is an echo of it in my body, because the undiluted joy and power I feel now are a function of how deep into myself I was able to reach in those difficult days.

I feel a need to record for myself how I have moved from there to here. Partially, it’s the yoga. I made a commitment to myself to do yoga every day for 40 days, no matter what. If I miss one day, I start again at the beginning. We are now on day 19 and what started as a 15 minute work-out in-between loading the dishwasher and browsing internet has now turned into a full one-hour (on workdays) to two-hour (weekends) dawn session. I actually get up at 6 am every day so that I can do yoga before the day begins. It is an unbelievable experience, an incredible gift to myself, this serious commitment, this focus on what I know is good for me.

Partially, it’s having put it down in writing here. Openly acknowledging fear is the only way to make it melt. Things that live in the dark don’t like the light. So thank you again for your help in voicing it all.

Partially, it is simply reaching the second trimester. Yesterday, I found this quote in my beautiful new book:

“The fist hundred and twenty days are given to us as a time to strenghthen the foundations of our lives, in order for us to be prepared for the seismic shift which comes with having a child... each birth gives you a new opportunity to penetrate your understanding even more deeply and grow in your love and wisdom.”

Wish I could have read this two months ago. It would have helped a lot. Not with getting out of it sooner, but with accepting it more.

Whatever it was, it made now possible. I have never felt stronger, I have never felt more centred, more focused, more sure of my power to conquer whatever comes my way. I have never been happier. I have never been less afraid. I have never been so free. I have never been so ready to welcome a child into my life. I have never felt so blissful. Or so blessed.