shenpa

(there is something i am simply dying to share with you, but i can't, because it's not quite sure yet, and exhilarating, and it might get jinxed if i spread it around too early, but i can't write another word without at least mentioning it in passing, so filled am i with IT. so, probably big news soon!)

i have been listening to Pema Chodron's series of teachings on 'Getting Unstuck', which i warmly advise to anyone interested in buddhism. she spends some time discussing the Tibetan word shenpa, which is usually translated into English as attachment. yes, that one. and attachment, in me head, is in turn closely related to detachment, because i've always figured much of this buddhism business is about getting detached from one's attachments. which, to be honest, i've been having some problems with, because the thing is: i don't actually want to be detached. in fact, much of my life's work of late has been about re-attaching and re-connecting: to my mate, to my children, to my friends, to my family, to my intuition, to the rest of the universe. and it's good work.

on the other hand, i know buddhism is also all about connecting, so i figured i wasn't really getting it, the whole attachment/detachment thing...

...until shenpa came along.

now shenpa is something i have no judgment about (partially because it's a foreign word, and the only thing i really know about it is that it's NOT to be translated as attachment) (partially because its very foreignness completely blocks my automatic 'good/bad' evaluation machine) (partially because it sounds funny, as in giggly funny, and giggly doesn't go with judgmental).

shenpa is also something i don't feel the urge to classify/analyse/trace back to its origins. and that is such a relief (not to mention massive savings of time and energy).

the way i see it, shenpa simply includes all the times when my response to a situation is not based on the reality of that situation but on something else ('i don't dare to do this': shenpa. 'what will they think?': shenpa. 'why doesn't she like me?': shenpa. 'if only he/she/they could see me now!': shenpa. 'why can't i have that?: shenpa. 'careful, sweetie! you might fall/break/die/disappear/spill some milk': shenpa. father issues: shenpa. mother issues: shenpa. melancholy: shenpa. falling-in-love: shenpa. gypsy music: shenpa. insomnia: shenpa. apathy: shenpa. the basic insecurity: shenpa. the underlying deep yearning: shenpa).

shenpa is pre-verbal, it's almost pre-emotional, it's visceral. it's the tightening, the closing, the escaping. you can't stop it. but you can accept it. and let go.

so i have much much shenpa. and the thought just makes me smirk.