dead fish

not as morbid as it sounds. it was a lovely, quiet day earlier this week, in the amsterdamse bos. the mist hung over the woods, there was not a sound to be heard, except my own breathing. and they looked so peaceful, these fish, floating with their bellies up.

(i am on an adventure, a real one, but i have no photographs yet. maybe tomorrow...)

graceful moon

there she was, yellow, soft and round like butter. and this is what she said:

"there is no freedom outside your chains. freedom is dancing in your chains, not breaking (through) them. because your chains are you, and when you break them, you are destroying bits of your own heart. but as you dance, slowly at first, clumsily, heavily, you will discover that what you thought of as chains is nothing but a soft, warm cloak, protecting, holding and supporting your ever widening, ever freer, ever more joyful movement"

i guess that's the recipe then. for grace and inner power.

light

wolf hunt

time for a Vysotsky song. it's a rough and raw song, called the wolf hunt. i have loved this song my entire life. but only tonight, in this longest of nights, did i finally understand what it's about. it's about the courage required to do the impossible. the courage to overcome the programming of a lifetime, the courage to choose for life and healing. i am a dangerous hunter. and i am also a life-thirsty wolf. i am this particular wolf.


(the way they hunt for wolves is that they chase the wolf-pack into a clearing and then put red flags all around the clearing, and for some reason, wolves simply cannot jump over a red flag, so they are left to helplessly circle around, and the hunters can just take their pick)
(and here is the one where you can actually see him sing it, definitely worth it)

on mothering

here she is then, the person i want you to meet (still no scanner). she is a little polish-russian girl, 6 going on 7. wise beyond her years. with a heart as wide as the milky way, which refuses to shut down, no matter what happens. and wherever i go, she goes too.

it has only taken me 7 years of mothering to notice the third pair of little hands wrapped around my waist.

birch

symbol of mother love. in the context of which, there is someone i'd like you to meet, but i can't get my scanner to work. tomorrow...

reflection

ripples

did you see the lovely moon, lolling lazily on her back tonight? this january moon is here to teach us about grace and inner power. especially at times when things don't turn out the way we expect/want them to.

hmph.

(you are going to have to take my word for it, but that grunt was infinitely more graceful and filled with inner power than it looks on paper)

karavan

Мой караван шагал через пустыню,
Мой караван шагал через пустыню,
Первый верблюд о чем-то с грустью думал,
И остальные вторили ему.

И головами так они качали,
Словно о чем-то знали, но молчали,
Словно о чем-то знали, но не знали,
Как рассказать,
когда,
зачем,
кому...

Novella Matveeva

flamingo wisdom

(i almost forgot to show you the flamingos...)

'So why do i need other people again?' i found myself asking a few weeks ago, on one of the solitary walks i took along the shore. 'If everything i need, all the love, attention, warmth, inspiration, joy, wisdom and encouragement that i crave, if all of these are available at all times and in unlimited supply from the universe itself, why bother with the hard work of loving people? If i don't need others, why go through the trouble of opening my heart, risking having it broken, learning to patch it up, and the rest of this whole relating business?'

that's what i asked the flamingos. because they are the birds of the heart (they say...) (... also because there was noone else to ask).

and you know what they said? they said 'just concentrate on breathing out, and the rest will take care of itself'. it took me a while to understand what they meant. but then i did. and was so very glad i'd asked.

2010

hhmmm... turns out it's not that easy to let 2010 slide into oblivion without a proper send-off. it's just not that kind of year...

i have struggled with what to say, can't seem to find the right words. so much has happened this past year. and as it reaches its close, i find my life is utterly unrecognizable, yet completely and absolutely right.

this year, magic burst through and flooded everything. this year, i stopped searching, and started finding instead. and this is what i found: love, passion, compassion, power, integrity, understanding, freedom, gratitude, vision, truth, joy, sisterhood, my body, my voice, my soul, my path. this year, i came closer than ever before to realizing my human potential.

and i cannot thank you enough, you who walk in this life by my side, for the friendship and the witnessing. for the laughter and the tears. for all the incredible richness and texture. for journeying with me.

it hasn't been easy, this year, but boy, has it been good!

decongesting

we went away for a week. to the little beach house up north that some of you know intimately. and which happens to be the only place in my universe without internet connection. a very good thing.

except... that when i am in the habit of posting daily (which i have been for some time), my mind produces posts with the required regularity, internet connection or no internet connection. and since there is no screen to save them on, these posts simply accumulate in my short-term, middle-term, and eventually long-term memory. where they form a backlog. that simply will not go away.

'so', you might say, 'why don't i just post them all when i come back?'

because by that time most (if not all) of them have become obsolete (the new year's wishes), embarrassing (the new year's wishes), inappropriate (the new year's wishes), or nonsensical, inappropriate and embarrassing (the new universe paradigm in which time no longer exists).

'well then', you might continue ever helpfully, 'why don't i forget about those and just write the post of today?'

because i can't. i can't write the post of today until i've cleared the post of yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before. and so the backlog grows. and the silence lengthens.

this has happened before. it will happen again. and it can take a while before decongestion sets in. in fact, it takes until i forget the first backlog post (the new year's wishes). i.e. until today.

hello everyone! and a very happy new year!